Tilgate Park

Dear J

Some photos from our day:

There are many more, and I will send them to you as soon as this computer works out what it is supposed to be doing.  I am upset and cross that there are so many limitations to our contact.  Being unable to just hug you whenever I want or need to is difficult enough, but not even being able to call, text, video message... it's very hard.  Email is good but, sometimes, not enough.

Speak to you soon.

All my love
Jen

Torn

Hubby is going away for a bit on Monday.  For good reasons, but he is still leaving.  Right now, it feels like he will be gone for a lifetime.  In reality, it is 40 weeks.  The length of a term pregnancy, which can feel like forever, but can also fly by.

I don't want him to go.  I don't want to miss all of the things I know I will miss.  I don't want to be without him for that long.  I don't feel guilty for wanting him to stay because I'm not forcing him to.  I want him to stay but I know I have to let him go.

I know that home, wherever that turns out to be, will not feel like home without him.  I know that stupid little things will upset me and remind me of him.  I know that every time one of our children does something different or looks at me in a new way, I will feel sad that he hasn't seen it.

I also know that I have a lot of other support.  I have found out that I have some truly great friends, willing to offer time and practical help - things you just can't buy.  I know that the children will adjust well and get excited about parcels and postcards rather than being sad about cuddles and kisses.  I know that we will write daily, electronically or otherwise, and nurture the bond we have formed over the past six years.

I know that he will come back to me.

I know that I will survive, I just don't know how happy I will be for the next few months.  I know I will feel like a part of me is missing, every day.

Yet I know there is a practical positive for every negative emotion.

And I know that I will be putting everything into saving up to go and visit him as soon as possible, for as long as possible and that when we are back together, it will be like he has never been away.

It will be perfect, all over again.

But, for now, we are looking at long distance.  Huge distance.  For ten months.

And I don't want him to go.

Happy Birthday, Sonny

Dear Sonny

I cannot believe that a year has passed since the last birthday.  It seems impossible to me that you can now be a whole two years old and yet I cannot imagine life without you.  You have changed so much in the last year, my boy.  I find myself watching you daily, studying the way you line up all of your vehicles in the hall (or on the sofa, the table, the patio, your bed...) and talk to them, one by one, trying to tattoo the memory onto my mind.

You are now a proper little boy, a keen talker and lover of all things Thomas.  Your speech is amazing; I love the way you tell me you love me, and say "I want cuddle for ya,".  I love that when I call you my prince, you give me the serious face and tell me that no, your name is Sonny, actually.  All of these things I want to remember.

You don't know this, but I set my alarm for 06:10 yesterday so that I could sneak into your bedroom and whisper the first happy birthday at the precise moment that you turned 2.  I kissed your beautiful face and wished for your next year to be full of happiness.  I hope you had the best birthday.  I don't know how much you understood, but I know you like your presents - the look on your face when you opened them was priceless.  I am looking forward to spending the following weeks and months playing together with these toys, attempting to teach you whilst realising that I am really the one who is learning..

I love you to the moon and back, my prince.

Mummy xxx

Silent Sunday

Silent Sunday