Saturday, 10 November 2012

I Miss You

I miss you, but you know this.  I miss the stupid things, the things I didn't realise I took notice of.  Watching you play Tetris of an evening; smiling at the concentration in your face.  Random road rage - bus drivers don't say the same things as you did when they see traffic wardens or police cars. I miss shopping with you, and for you.  I don't buy coffee anymore.  I see it and it reminds me of you, its smell and colour, everything.  But I do not buy it, it is of no use to me now.  I miss the cuddles, the contact we had without even thinking about it; how casual we were.  I miss you every time I see our children.  When our son gives me this look that is just you and I wonder how I ever managed one day without you, let alone 33.
I miss the laughter, especially at the things we found so hilarious that no one else really understood.  I miss the days we woke early and just decided to drive for miles and miles until we found a beach or a forest; someplace interesting and unfamiliar to share a day alone.  I miss watching you play with the kids, the way you made them chuckle helplessly.  I miss listening to your heartbeat in bed.  I even miss the football!
I miss you constantly.  The pain is less, with time, it doesn't take my breath away so much, but I do not miss you less.  The pain is different, it aches all the time and nothing is as fun anymore.  Knowing that I will not see you today, tomorrow, this week or indeed month, well, it makes the days long and cloudy.  I love you, for sure, and realise it now more than ever.  I could never doubt it.  And it grows, the love, it must do, to cover the spaces between us.  To reach us both, it must be huge.

I am lonely, and homesick.  Home is not where we have been staying, nor where we are moving to, it is somewhere I have yet to set eyes on, it is somewhere so far away.  It is with you, my home; it is wherever you are.

I miss you.  I love you.

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