Jas woke up 45 minutes ago, disturbed by her cough. She came into our bed for gorgeous cuddles and talked of funny dreams and happy things. As Daddy drifted back to sleep, we spoke of her impending third birthday in hushed excitement. Then came talk of her party. Jas asked me who was coming and I began listing people. When I had finished my list, she asked if her big brother would be there. I had to say no; he would be with his mum. Jas began to cry; not loud, exaggerated sobs but quiet, fat tears.
She didn't even want a cuddle.
I cried a bit too, heartbroken by seeing my little girl upset and being unable to do anything about it.
Not a good moment.
Eventually, I came up with the idea of giving her another birthday, this weekend, when her big brother will be able to attend. There will be party games, music, cakes, a (very small) present and hopefully lots of fun and laughter. Jas was pleased with this idea, excited by it.
We are both still quite awake now. I have made Jas a bed at the foot of our own and she lies there now, propped up on her pillows, watching a film. Happy again. So much so that she wants to do this every night. I've not yet told her that this is unlikely; it is too good to see her smiling again.
I love you, Jas. So much so that I will forego a decent night's sleep just to watch your beautiful face. I am sorry that there are some things I cannot change, but anything I can do to make you happy, I will do. Always.